Leo (Jan 6 - Feb 17)

Today you are feeling really energetic.  You should probably do the most extreme things possible.  For example, if you feel like quitting your job and running across the country in search of spiritual enlightenment, today is the day to do so.  Your romantic stars are a little off so try to avoid donkey shows, Tijuana, and/or strip clubs.  You will receive a call today from someone you have heard from before, but don't answer it.

Lucky numbers: 69-12-1-9-44-71

Gemini (Feb 20 - Feb 28)

Tough breaks today hey Gemini? Don't sweat it, just stay in bed...ALL DAY. If you try to do anything at all, it will end badly.  The moon in your galaxy is not right for you to do any activities besides sleep. You can watch TV but only Seinfeld.
"WHAAAT's the deal with today?" It's alright Gemini, tomorrow will be a little better. Not much, but a little.

Lucky numbers: 69-0-0-0-0-0

Taurus (Feb 29 - April 2)

Mars and Jupiter are shinning bright today on you Mr./Mrs. Taurus.  Everything on that To-Do list is ready to be tackled.  Don't do any of it, but just check them all off.  You'll feel 100x better about yourself.  Also, go visit your Grandma she misses you.  For dinner try something different…maybe consider a fine quiche. And since we know you are single, maybe try a new dating site. #JDate

Lucky numbers: 69-4-55-3-41-33

Aries (April 3 - May 5)

You are on a roll Aries, and life is good.  How about that moon throwing luck your way??  Enjoy this ride while it lasts because near the third quarter of the second moon’s cycle, you could run into some financial problems.  Your relationships are in full swing romantically and your partners are swooning for your energy.  Try not to get caught up in the heat of the moment because what comes up must come down.  Also herpes does not have a cure yet. 

Lucky numbers: 69-6-9-11-17-24

Pisces (May 6th - June 14th)

Skip that cup of coffee…you won't even need it today.  Mostly because you still have some cocaine fuel still left in you from last night’s orgy. Let's keep the party going as the Mercury retrograde has not affected you at all. The crash could come during the Venus sighting in July, but for now live in that fast lane. 

Lucky numbers: dealers choice HEY NOW!!!

Libra (June 15 - June 18) 

Overwhelmed? Yeah, me too.  Just looking at your alignment this year gives me nightmares. Today won't be so bad though since you have already lost so much this year it doesn't really get any worse.  Hang in there though as a stranger will give you a bagel today.

Lucky numbers: Yeah, right. Better luck next year 

Capricorn (June 19 - July 29)

Mercury and the moon have a strong pull on you today.  That isn't all bad you just have to stay guarded financially.  Toward the end of the day you will feel a little stressed, but that is just Venus so don't worry.  Play it safe and walk backwards all day this should reverse any ill-will the universe has planned for you. Also, avoid the color orange as it’s heat signature is equal in reverse proportion to the tides. Stay safe Capricorners!

Lucky numbers: 96-2-24-23-10-47

Aquarius (July 30 - Aug 12)

"Shine Bright Like a Diamond" Ri-Ri's song “Diamond” is your theme song today.  Make sure it is playing non-stop wherever you go.  The vibes alone will bring you nothing but magic thanks to the moons of Jupiter and their alignment. “Beautiful like diamonds in the sky”…remember that as you cash your check from the BK Lounge.

Lucky number: Diamond

Scorpio (Aug 13 - Sept 9)

Go get her back!!! That loved one you let slip away, or she may even have a restraining order against you.  None of that matters today!  Due to the sun’s magnetic pull, all romantic encounters you once lost will now become available.  Just act fast and don't worry about the consequences.  When the sun is on your side nothing can go wrong.  She'll have to love you today. Or he….Dr. Basser never judges.

Lucky numbers: 69-8-7-23-3-33

Sagittarius (Sept 10 - Oct 23)

Hello Venus.  Venus is the God of change and she is a knocking on your dog Sagittarius.  Feeling funky? Change your socks. Don't like the song? Change the station.  Don't like your cereal? Grow up and cook yourself an omelet with some American made bacon.  Don't be afraid of change; today is a good day for it.  So look at yourself in the mirror and scream "Yes, I can!” Then go and shave your head. 

Lucky numbers: 69-35-25-18-52-7

 
Virgo (Oct 23 - Nov 17)

Feeling fab? Well you totes should.  The stars are all yours today Virgo and you are looking the part.  Go out, meet with some friends…it is your night to steal the show.  Spread your legs or whip out your dong as your sexual energy is at an all-time high thanks to Uranus. 

Lucky numbers: 69-69-69-69-6-9

Cancer (Nov 17 - Jan 5)

Literally, I can't.  I know that is what you were probably thinking when you first woke up this morning. Trust me, the struggle is real until about mid-day. Once the Solar Eclipse happens in Galaxy SX9, your balance will then be altered.  After your realignment, you will find a new energy to take on a new project.  Don't talk to anyone today as your mouth is foul due to the Venus retrograde. 

Lucky numbers-19-16-44-54-21-12
 

Congrats to our friends from the "land" for finally overcoming the Cleveland Curse! Lebron, you have been more fun to watch than a dwarf trying to use a urinal. Thanks for giving the internet so much to work with:

Just when you thought the Cavs couldn't get any better, then you see these two goons:

Lebron - not sure how you were able to keep things moving (even with Uncle Drew) with this squad but congratulations as you are clearly a wizard. Can't wait for the city of Cleveland to give you the keys so you can turn that short bus around for the better!

 Today is a day for cowboys. Because it's America dammit. Let's tip our 10 gallon hats to our favorite cowboys ever: Cowboy Cerrone, Johnny Depp, The Duke, Sam Elliott, Kid Rock, and Snoop. Ride or die cowboys! #CowboyUp #DudeAbides

If you're looking for a glorious way to celebrate Cowboy Day 2016, we recommend you download the following videos (safe for work btw) of Stoney aka The Real American Cowboy aka Hip-Shot Jones

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Is this seriously what we've come to? As Americans, we've stood by and let this happen: we're now going to have a choice between: (A) a Cheetos-colored reality star or (B) an Ex-President's SIDE-bitch....#Lewinksy4Life

One of these two dingdongs doesn't believe in global warming while the other moved confidential emails onto a personal server that was setup in their bathroom. Is this a joke? If so, we're all being played.

Well, at least we're giving the rest of the world a good laugh.

#BernieOrBust #FeelTheBern

When layering these two potential POTUS candidates, you'll see they share an eerie resemblance. Welcome to the Darth Vader generation....

This speaks for itself...

Doornag, God of Sidewalks

That's right, I am calling my shot, I will win the lottery tonight.  I had a dream last night and I always listen when the gods speak to me; they are never wrong. I was presented with the Powerball numbers for tonight's drawing by Doornag the God of Sidewalks.  He presented the numbers to me via wheelbarrow which is a sign wealth and luck dating back to the Egyptians. The Wheelbarrow  contained 5 numbers...NO, I will not share these with you. I know what you are thinking, "That's not enough numbers Stoney Jones".  Well hold your horses! This brings me to the second part of my dream.  After Doornag vanished into the mist, no more than 6.9 seconds later arrived Hash-Hash The God of Breakfast.  He presented me with an egg that I cracked open.  Out of the egg flew 39 little chickens!  Chickens have always been know as powerful creatures especially to the Aztecs.  So these 39 powerful little chickens represented the power ball number thus completing my $485 million dollar dream.  The certainty that this dream provided was such that I have already quit my part-time job at Baskin-N-Robbins, and put a down payment on an iPhone9. So tomorrow morning when news breaks of my winnings, I will already be half way to Moscow.

Graciously Yours,

Stoney 'Lock-Shtock' Jones

$toney Jones has submitted his entry to the One Shot contest brought to you by SMH Records. Show your love and drop a vote for $toney Jone$ by clicking HERE.

Below is $toney's submission to the contest, or you can also see it here. 

A monumental discovery occurred early yesterday morning as paleontologists uncovered the bones for the elusive, yet highly debated, Durasoraus. The Durasoraus, aka Dura-Dura, was believed to have only existed in what is now modern China; however, the bones were dug up under an overpass in Tampa, Florida. Dura-Dura's are believed to be the loudest of all dinosaurs with an unquenchable thirst for duck butter. More to follow on this exciting development....

Here's a fresh tip: listen to this freestyle and don't get kicked by a Zorse (half horse, half zebra).

$TONEY'S BACK!!! He officially is done making trips to West Africa to cure Ebola with his life-saving blood. Yes, the same blood that cured polio. Squirty!