The following is our free advice to you. Hey, it might just save your flipping life:

1. Always use clear garbage bags so your neighbors can see how much you like eating Bugles.
2. Vodka is the only thing that masks alcohol breath...it's a fact.
3. Your Mom is awesome.
4. If you like pina coladas, getting caught in the rain...take an umbrella.
5. Don't be fat.
6. I will always be better looking than you (sincerely, $toney Jones)
7. Before you die, go to China at least once and eat a cat. They are delicious.
8. For the love of all things holy, don't try and rap battle Stoney Jones.  You will lose.
9. Snookie is not a role model. She is not even human.
10. Smile even if it's just with your heart.
11. The NBA has fallen apart and David Stern is a rat.
12. Don't try and harness all of the energy of the galaxies. You will inevitably pass out from heat exhaustion.
13. Peter, Paul & Mary is the worst name of a band. Get creative people. Try something like "Peanut Butter Sauce & the Ho Chi Minh Special Funk Trip featuring Kanye"
14. Really with this 'Call Me Maybe' crap?!? Music in this country is going down the toilet.
15. Never crap where you eat or eat where you crap. That's a bad look.
16. Don't scold a child in a mall in Utah. They will literally cut off your hands.
17. Remember to pack light (Keystone Light that is).
18. Whenever you start feeling a bit randy, think of Randy Jackson and get your ass back to work.
19. Soap is your friend. Use it.
20. Don't visit New Mexico. Unless of course you are there to get into fisticuffs with the locals.
21. The capital of Bangladesh is Dhaka.
22. According to the Schmidt Scale, the bullet ant has the worst sting of all bugs. Beware.
23. Never sign anything when you're hammered.
24. The worst place in America is wherever the Kardashians are currently residing.
25. Having a bowl of cereal for breakfast is a great way to start the day. Having a bowl of Jager first thing in the morning is not however.
26. Eating fruit from a stranger is not safe. Thanks Snow White, we got the message.
27. If you ever see someone walking toward you with a shirt that reads: "I like kittens", run like hell.
28. Streaking can be a good time. Just don't do it near an elementary school.
29. If you are walking down the street and you see a phone booth, you are officially travelling thru time. Get back to the Delorean immediately.
30. Guinea Pigs are not pigs. Don't kill one to try and make bacon as it will not work.
31. Choosing between fist-fighting a bear or a mountain lion is easy cause either way, they will tear your head off.
32. David Duchovny does not like you to run up and stroke his luscious hair. Trust us.
33. The "Hamburglar" from McDonald's is not an actual felon.
34. Eating a thousand yellow jackets is a good way to start your weekend.
35. Birds lay eggs. Fish lay eggs. Bugs lay eggs. Humans can't, so don't even try.
36. Paul Bunyan was a full-blown alcoholic.
37. When you go for a walk at night, wear safety goggles as moonbeams are quite dangerous.
38. Giving 110% is not a possibility unless you're f-wording Superman.
39. Cleats should only be worn if you play soccer, football, or if you just like kicking some serious A.
40. Books can be lethal.
41. Most people don't know this, but drinking your weight in Moonshine is a sure-fire way to get herpes.
42. People who eat fire are immortal. Or so we've been told.
43. Although adorable, a baby rhino should never be cuddled and/or kissed.
44. See a penny on a railroad track, bend over and pick it up.
45. Flip flops, or thongs, should be worn with EXTREME caution.
46. Drugs are bad, m-kay?
47. Listen to the stars, they have magic secrets.
48. Keep your slacks pressed. You never know when you'll need to look sharp.
49. DO LESS, BE MORE.