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This is what happens when you know a Mayor (free ringtone)

1/24/2012

The Mayor of Biloxi, Mr. Prior, and I go waaay back. See before he became Mayor, Mr. Prior was better known for his Ice Carvings which were once featured in ND Living. Mr. Prior and I have shared many good laughs over the years, many times after drinking too much moonshine. Man, that was the best Beard & Moustache Championship ever!
The other day I received an audio message from Mr. Prior which I thought I would share with all of you. Download and enjoy:

circle.aif
File Size:	3309 kb
File Type:	aif

Download File

Let's get deep for a moment

1/23/2012

Sure I get sad sometimes, but that comes from the inside, even though it can be seen by everyone around me.
I also enjoy to laugh at silly things, jokes, and funny movies.
That too also comes from the inside.
Do I try to control my laughter, my tears, and my pain?
That is almost a certainty.
Another certainty in my life is that at critical periods of my life I won't be able to control the times I smile, the times I bow my head, and the times I just collapse with nearly nothing left inside of me.
No one person is the same.
A shooting star that passes across the sky may end up saving one man's life forever while the same star may make another man decide to end his.
Wow! What a pretty bird that is over there.
Can I have the triangle that is around your head?
I don't think I'm going to make my bed this afternoon.
Here you go sir, hope that helps.
I'm not going to call home today.
I hope he calls me today.
Goodbye.
Hey there.
I have no feelings, feelings have me.

A beautiful piece written by one of my alter egos:
Sergio Papinelli

Enough is enough already

1/21/2012

There are a few things in this world that truly grind my gears and one in particular has almost pushed me over the edge. I'm of course talking about casting action films with the biggest sissies around. The fact that more and more of these films are being produced leads me to only one likely conclusion - the end of the world is near. Maybe the Mayans were right after all. So, kiss your loved ones goodbye and enjoy these last few hours (see countdown clock here). The following is a well thought out list...ok, I just came up with it...of some recent action movies and their leading actors that make me want to puke up yesterday's Cheerios and beer breakfast:

1. Abduction - starring Taylor Lautner
- WTF?!? Are you kidding me? I don't even need to explain why this Disney doucher should be blackballed from any and all movies let alone one that requires you to be a badass. At this rate, you might as well cast Ryan Seacrest.

2. Any movie starring Liam Neeson
- Ok, maybe a 30 or even 40 year old Liam Neeson might've still drank a little Irish whiskey and could've kicked a little ass, but come on this guy is a bag of skin at this point. Go join AARP Liam, it's time to hang it up.

"Do you like my pearl necklace?"

3. The KILL BILL series - Uma Thurman
- I guess some guys (ones that are also into REEEALY young chicks) might watch these films just because of Uma. But come on, I'm sure Liam Neeson could knock her down with his piss stream (see above). Please let's stop casting Uma as an ass-kicking ninja - or whatever she does. Listening to Wham! makes you more of a man than watching an Uma Thurman film. That's science.

4. Tom Cruise Films - Every single one.
- Let me cut to the point, the only reason he married Katie Holmes was so that someone in the Cruise household could open the pickle jar. I've heard solid rumors that Tommy cries whenever he watches Dora the Explorer or whenever he reads cards at a Hallmark store.

Please Tom, run for office (but only in California) and stop making films.

5. Transformers & Indian Jones - Starring Shia LaDouche
- Swear to God I don't know what his real last name is or how to spell it correctly and I don't give a shit. Cause this is ridiculous. First, if you think he is actually tough, watch this little vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEYEyNbggiw. Be sure to check out the shot at 1:15 which shows him rocking some Animal Crackers and an AZ iced tea...soooo BA. Not only does he get beat by an old fat hairy man, but the fatty also happens to be Canadian. Seriously. Pretty sure Shia would lose an eye against Taylor Lautner which is an absolute embarassment. No more Indy Jones flicks, no more Transformers, just go back to what you do best....digging Holes.

Stoney Jones Out.

Things yet to come here on stoneyjones.com

1/20/2012

For all of you out there who know me personally, I'm famous for creating a handful of magical creations in the kitchen: delightful quiche recipes, peanut butter and ham sammies, beef wellington (heavy on the wellington), Bubbly Skittles Martinis, hot frito roll-ups (aka Jail Bait), just to name a few. Due to the high rate of requests, I'll be putting together a few how-to videos which I'll feature here so that all of you out there can start cooking like me. Please go out and buy your aprons and stretch your stomachs, because I plan on making Guy Fieri my bitch. Wait, I think I just did......Yup.

Jaka aka Mr. Normal

1/19/2012

Jake was a normal man with a normal plan, only problem is Jake is no longer a man. He fell into the sand and became a shiny can. Yes, it can happen just ask Fran. See she went outside to get a tan, 10 minutes later she became a weather man named Dan. Dan was quiet with no friends at all, he liked to spend his days upside down hanging from the wall. Dan took a sledge hammer and smashed his knee cap as hard as he could. It started as a dare, his co-worker never thought he would. Dan now has all kinds of friends which he thinks is great. Only problem is Dan's left leg is now a metal plate. Timmy, Johnny, Billy, Courtney, Sarah, and Missy all played a little game called kissy kissy. Tim kissed Sarah, Sarah kissed Bill, Bill kissed Courtney behind the hill. Johnny left early before he could feel the thrill, for he had to go home early he had a wife to kill. So what happened to Jake's cats you ask? Well Johnny's wife was supposed to tend to them. And she died when Johnny killed her, so the cats starved to death.

In Memory of Sgt. Chubby Balboa
-Jake Slacks

Questions for my doctor

1/18/2012

I have 8 & 3/4 questions to ask you today Marcus Andrews MD:
    1) Why does my foot hurt?
    2) Does it make me gay if I rented Thor last night?
    3) If I'm not already gay from the previous question, does it make me gay if during Thor I drank a Heineken and a half bottle of wine?
    4) When we come to a road that we know will potentially end in death, why even stay on the road?
    13) What the hell happened to questions 5-12?
    14) Today I feel that a brief wind is changing. No question, just a personal observation.
    15) From your stance according to research done in 1992, you documented in your analysis paper that: depending on the convex of the wind direction multiplied by the velocity divided by the density, the wind can actually have a change in the social functions of society. Was this documentation true or were you just blowing smoke up a giraffe's butthole?
    16) Who's my Dad...really?
    17) What's your favorite food all-time, no take backs? I'm talking the one food you could eat like forever straight non-stop and still be happy at the end of the day. And don't tell me it's Golden Grahams, then I know you're really blowing smoke up a Canadian's dress.
    Last Q) Is 3/4 less or more than 1? I think it's less than 1, but gee golly if it is. Is it really?

Sincerely,
Constantine Sherrill

Yeah, I'm a poet. I'm like that guy, Yeast or whatever his name is.

1/17/2012

40 cliffs 40 cliffs why are there 40 cliffs?
No dirt no tress just 40 cliffs.
No birds no bees just 40 cliffs.
40 cliffs 40 cliffs why are there 40 cliffs?
No people that roam no creatures that nest just 40 cliffs.
No steeple in Rome no bleachers or tests just 40 cliffs.
40 cliffs 40 cliffs why are there 40 cliffs?
The wind does not blow there is no hot or cold just 40 cliffs.
You will never find snow there is no story to be told just 40 cliffs.
40 cliffs 40 cliffs why are there 40 cliffs?
Never a forward pass or any ice to skate just 40 cliffs.
You won't find a Christmas Mass no one is nice or fake just 40 cliffs.
40 cliffs 40 cliffs why are there 40 cliffs?

-$toney C. Jones

So it begins.

1/13/2012

Welcome, hola, shalom, aloha, and merhaba. You've somehow found your way to StoneyJones.com the home of geography enthusiast and part-time belly dancer, Stoney C. Jones. This site has been a long time coming and that is mainly for the fact that I've spent the last 10 years in Uganda hunting rhino. Ok, not really, but that would've been sweet.
My site is multi-functional, but the main purpose is to make you shart yourself with laughter. So, sit back, grab an adult beverage (if you're of age) and embrace me.

Sincerely,
STONEY JONES