Well hello February 29th!!! You are by far the least celebrated day ever! I'm going to snorkel a fifth of Jager to celebrate. Yay.
Let's just say I were to come up with the next big kid's toy. Let's just say. Well, here is the ad I would run on TV for it...
"Hello, my name is Shiloh and I am your brand new electronic alligator!!"
- Cue Theme Music (I'm thinking something like this: SWEET JAM)
"From this point forward every little move you make will be monitored and evaluated by me. Basically, all of your actions and decisions will be mine. If you go to the police or tattle on me, I will stab your beady little eyes out with my viciously sharp claws. Crying and peeing your pants will not be tolerated......so stop doing both right now. Also I like to drink and smoke so go to Mommy's purse and Daddy's liquor cabinet and get me some smokes and make me a drink."
"Ahhh much better..."
Voice Over - "Buy your new Electronic Alligator TODAY!!! or else..."
All 4 of these people look way too excited. As much as I might want to kick them each in the teeth, I somehow want to party with them also...weird.
After watching hands-down the most disgraceful NBA Dunk Contest EVER, I tore out my eyeballs. Ok, I thought I had enough of the NBA with it's yellow fever for Jeremy-"I can't make a layup"-Lin, but this is the last straw. I'm not even going to post a picture OR a video of that funk contest. With that being said, here is my appeal to David "Skid Mark" Stern which I'll be emailing to him for the next 364 days.
Please take a few million off your personal salary next year and dish out some serious $$$ to get some REAL athletes in the dunk contest. I'm talking Kobe, Durant, B-Griffin, and that Baby-Back-Bitch Lebron. Hell, I'd like to see anyone from the all-star game (sans Kevin Love) compete in the dunk contest. I miss the days of MJ vs Dominique or even Vince vs T-Mac vs Stevie Franchise. I place ALL of the blame squarely on your fat portly shoulders. Stop ruining the greatest game on earth by letting these players be a bunch of overpaid, lazy, cocky, douche sacks.
$toney 'Mutha-Dunkin' Jones
First, let me start by mentioning that somedays I suffer from mild-Schizophrenia and a slight bit of pure unadultered madness. Here is just an example of an email that I wrote to myself during a fit of insanity just the other night....
My name is Constantine Sherill and I am extremely smart. I received my Diploma when I was 11 years old and my masters degree when I was 17. I have a robot that I invented when I was 13 and it does all of my laundry and cleaning. His name is Zeebax. It is safe to say you would be no match for me in a game of trivial pursuit nor would you be a match for me in a light saber duel. Once I tapped into the Orange County traffic center and made all the traffic lights change into a blinking yellow. Yeah, they were pretty upset it was a mess! I read the dictionary every single day and I'm also lactose intolerant. I have never had intercourse before, hence the reason I am sending you this email. I wanted to see if you wanted to meet up for a cup of Joe sometime soon. I could pick you up in my spaceship if you want, or we could ride bikes whatever would stimulate your endorphin glands more.
Call me I have a cell phone implanted in my left forearm. My number is 1. Yeah I had pull some strings to get that one ;)
You'r probably pretty turned on right now just learning about me I'm kind of excited too!
I sent you a pic, it's not the best, but you'll get the idea.
Heart You Always,
If you haven't already caught Lin-Fever, Linsanity, or even Linfluenza....you're going to. Quick background for those of you living under a rock in rural West Virginia: Jeremy Lin is a Cali-native who wasn't offered any athletic scholarships out of high school. Lin had a huge senior year, then whored his DVD mixtape out to a ton of Ivy League schools (what? you thought he'd apply to Grambling??). After playing for 4 years at Harvard, Jeremy Lin went undrafted...say it ain't so! After some brief stints with the Warriors, Rockets and the D-League, Lin found a home with the NY Knicks. Fast forward to February 4th when J-Lin has his official coming out party. Since then, the Knicks have reeled off 7 straight (and counting).
Ok, ok, I know what you're thinking, "how could $toney Jones, enjoy watching this soft, Ivy League, Miley Cyrus-listening, Econ Major play in the NBA?!?!?" Well, I'll show you why:
First: John Wall was supposed to be like the next Iverson or something. WTF kind of defense was that? I'm pretty sure an old lady carrying a colostomy bag could breeze by Wall. Second: I nearly pissed in my Wranglers when I watched those two nancies from the Wizards (u know who u are) bail on help defense. They gave Mr. Lin-ister a freaking runway to trot down. I'm assuming you two Nancy Drews were simply trying to avoid getting posterized by Jeremy Lin. Yeah, that would be a little humiliating to have a poster with Lin slamming one down on you, no doubt. I mean, who wants to get punked by this dude:
I rest my case. For now, I'm all aboard the Lin-express. Keep killing 'em J-Lin.
$toney 'Tsao Ni Ma' Jones
Well, I'd like to offer a sweet and sweaty Happy Heart's Day to each and everyone out there today. You know, some people say today is a 'Hallmark Holiday'; however, I am no such fool! See, I'm a lover of all things and today is a day where I get to do a few things that I don't always get to do, such as:
- Make dirty charity love to a homeless woman or man
- Wear edible underwear to work. Screw that "2:30 feeling" and 5 hour energy, this'll get your motor running.
- I hand out free heart candies to strangers as they try and walk down the street
- I make sweet pink lemonade spiked with Moonshine and I leave it out on the sidewalk with a sign that reads: "Free Lemonade. May You Have A Sweet Valentine's".
- I go to the local homeless shelter and I rescue as many cats as possible. After 2 days, I release them all on a nearby beach.
- And last, but certainly not least, I always make reservations for 2 at a really pricey steakhouse. After waiting at my table for about 30 minutes, I fake a few tears and tell the waiter/waitress that I must've gotten stood up. Great way to get a free meal!!!
aka Dr. Slacks
aka $toney Jones Esquire (not sure what Esquire even means...hey, don't judge me)
Wow, where do I begin? As I embark upon the final stages of a solid decade of community college, I am forced to take a look back at all that has gone on during the past 10 glorious years...
• I've transfered 4 different times. I'm a firm believer in a broadening my horizons.
• I've had to perform or be a part of 8 pet burials. Moppins, I'll miss you the most.
• I did a stint in jail
• hd tvs were born
• friends got married
• It's Always Sunny was born
• MySpace became the coolest place online
• MySpace became the lamest place online
• friends got divorced
• friends received promotions
• friends received severance packages
• The ALMIGHTY Facebook became hugely popular with kids, adults and even some tech-saavy senior citizens (way to go Grammy!)
In another 6 short months, I'll finally graduate with my two-year degree barring any setbacks from my pre-algebra course. Fingers crossed. Consider me a poor man's Van Wilder. Soooo when I do get my degree of excellence, expect the biggest damn party of 2012. I'll bring the bongos, you bring the stuffed gazelle, marmalade and duck butter.
I hate when people say, "Dance like no one is watching, love like you've never..." blah, blah, baaaarf. I prefer this old Scottish limmerick: "Drink like you've never been hungover, do drugs like you've never ended up naked at a zoo, and punch midgets as often as possible."
Let's just get right to it.
First things first, I'm a librarian in training - just thought you should know. Next, some people have confused me with the following: Owen Wilson, Justin Bieber, Justin Bieber's Dad, The Situation, and most recently, this guy:
Look, I'm not just claiming I'm the smartest/wittiest/most handsome man on earth, but come on, we all know that I am. For any haters, just remember I'm the one to thank for creating the printing press, transistor radios and of course, plastic. And hey, without plastic, you'd be forced to pour your shampoo into your hands from a dried out sheep's bladder. Yep, that's what they used to use in the Olden Days. Ahhh science. Now that I'm on the subject of science, I can't wait to eat some peanut butter cookies later.
Random thought - is it just me or do you also want to punch people in the face when you see them doing this:
Only a few people should be allowed to text at any given moment: Bill Gates (self-explanatory) and Nelly (also self-explanatory). So, stop texting for 11 seconds this weekend and get out there and have some awkward talks with strangers.
Love. Live. Drink Heavily.
you're a man, woman, rhino, lemon, or robot, you're bound to find something just for you. ONLY on stoneyjones.com