Blog Archives

Puh-puh-puh-puh Poker Face

4/12/2013

My Texas Holdem poker alias, as dubbed by most of the great poker underworld and upperworld, is Stoney "Stone Hand" Jones (you don't want to f with that). I'm awesome at everything and I know a lot of the StoneNation plays poker. So I am here to give you a nickel's worth of free advice. If you want to make the big bucks, stay strict to these 10 basic steps and get more kosher than a sausage McMuffin pizza in Yonkers.

1. First off, contrary to popular and "scientific thoughts", you're going to want to get as drunk as possible. By drunk as possible I mean at least a shot and a beer PER hand.

2. Follow rule #1 again just to be safe.

3. Always remember your hand is the best hand. Doesn't matter if you're playing on online or face to face. Your hand is always the best hand. Period.

4. Bet BIG. Bet real big every time. For example: you have a 3k bankroll. Your hand is 6 of clubs/9 of hearts. Don't worry about blinds just bet half of what you have at the very least.

5. If you didn't comprehend lesson #4, then you are not following lessons one and two.. If you understand lesson four then you're off to a great start.

6. Money makes money, money makes money. Remember that.

7. Pray to something. Card games are 100% luck no matter who tells you otherwise...that includes you Kevin Spacey in '21'. (Once you understand that you could never understand cards, luck, or faith, you will finally win some hands)

8. I have never bet more than $100.00 on a single hand

9. Analyze nothing.

10. The best chance you have is to close your eyes and picture.. John Stamos.

Grab a Cold One and Enjoy

4/6/2013

We here at stoneyjones.com thought it would be a nice time for us to give everyone some fantastical ideas for solid summer songs. So, download these from iTunes and get your pontoon cruising-butts ready for the upcoming Spring & Summer! Or simply sit back, enjoy a cold one on us, and let your ears have a day of peace while listening to the following:

Hugo's rendition of '99 Problems' makes the Jay-Z version look like a science fair project. Drink it in -

You can't beat the old skool. Especially when the old skool looks like this:

Who's Johnny?!?!? No, seriously guys, who the fluke is Johnny?

Do yourself a favor and watch this video (music starts at 1:08). Oh yeah, and you are welcome.

Grab a beer and drink each time you hear the words 'Chug-a-lug'...

Gosh Damn Applebee's...

4/6/2013

So, the other day, my lovely lady and I were enjoying some 1/2 off apps and having a delightful little time at our neighborhood Applebee's when a handful of pre-pubescent teenagers decided to start talking some smack on yours truly. Let me first give you a little background....

Started the day out by going kayaking through some back water swamps where we watched a few manatees and various other Floridian wildlife. During our jaunt, we enjoyed a nice casual 6-pack and worked on our tans. On our rendezvous back to the Casa del Stoney, we decide to stop for some apps and margaritas. So, there we are sitting and enjoying a basket of onion rings when these little punks decided to start yammering about how I looked Chinese or maybe I was possibly wasted. Now I already mentioned that the beers we consumed were CASUAL, which of course means that they do not have any inhibiting affects...hence the casualness to their nature. Anyways, I was listening in as they debated on just how Chinese I might actually be. I helped things along by giving my finest Asian accent ("App-erbees has a tha best drink spe-shers"). They ate it up like hot cakes and as they left I decided to give them what they asked for.

I headed outside to the parking lot where they loaded up into their mommy's minivan. As I walked up to the driver's side of the car, I stood in my best kung-fu stance and I jump kicked the side view mirror off their car. I turned to the side of the van where all 3 kids were sitting with their mouths wide open, I clasped my hands together and gave them the appropriate head bow. As I stood up, the mom was on her phone (presumably calling the fuzz). Before turning away, I looked at each terrified youngster and shouted, "HOW YOU LIKE MY DUCK SAUCE NOW ROUNDEYE?!?!?".

Needless to say, I'm no longer welcome at our neighborhood Applebee's. Oh well, I guess you win some, you lose some. Also, in late-breaking news, I am actually 1/64th Chinese!!! Just found out my great great grandfather had a friend who was from Beijing, ipso facto, those kids may have been onto something.

My Chinese Bloodline

Stoney DipSum Jones

"Hold On To Your Butts"

4/4/2013

If you recognized the above quote, then you already know what's coming this weekend. If you don't know that line, then you should be used as human throw pillow. This weekend is the release of Jurassic Park 3D!!! I know, I know, everyone loves dinosaurs. CAUSE THEY ARE FREAKING AWESOME! I will never forget when I went to Dinosaur World for the first time. It was quite possibly the most glorious day in the history of my life. I was in the 7th grade and I must have spent 11 hours staring at the triceratops. I remember crying out of shear joy...I also had to change my jean shorts twice from all the excitement.

My first time watching Jurassic Park was an eye-opening experience for me. I think Dr. Ian Malcolm (Goldblum) says it best in the film: "God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs." How very true indeed. Ooh how I would have loved to live 240 million years ago!!! To dance and romp around with all of the majestic beasts! On second thought, I probably would have ended up a tasty treat instead...but I couldn't imagine a better way to go. Needless to say, I'll be first in line for this weekend's showing where I'll be wearing my 'I love Velociraptors' shirt and rocking my new prescription 3D glasses:

Curse you Sam Neill, curse you.