There are a few things in this world that truly grind my gears and one in particular has almost pushed me over the edge. I'm of course talking about casting action films with the biggest sissies around. The fact that more and more of these films are being produced leads me to only one likely conclusion - the end of the world is near. Maybe the Mayans were right after all. So, kiss your loved ones goodbye and enjoy these last few hours (see countdown clock here). The following is a well thought out list...ok, I just came up with it...of some recent action movies and their leading actors that make me want to puke up yesterday's Cheerios and beer breakfast:
1. Abduction - starring Taylor Lautner
- WTF?!? Are you kidding me? I don't even need to explain why this Disney doucher should be blackballed from any and all movies let alone one that requires you to be a badass. At this rate, you might as well cast Ryan Seacrest.
1. Abduction - starring Taylor Lautner
- WTF?!? Are you kidding me? I don't even need to explain why this Disney doucher should be blackballed from any and all movies let alone one that requires you to be a badass. At this rate, you might as well cast Ryan Seacrest.
2. Any movie starring Liam Neeson
- Ok, maybe a 30 or even 40 year old Liam Neeson might've still drank a little Irish whiskey and could've kicked a little ass, but come on this guy is a bag of skin at this point. Go join AARP Liam, it's time to hang it up.
"Do you like my pearl necklace?"
3. The KILL BILL series - Uma Thurman
- I guess some guys (ones that are also into REEEALY young chicks) might watch these films just because of Uma. But come on, I'm sure Liam Neeson could knock her down with his piss stream (see above). Please let's stop casting Uma as an ass-kicking ninja - or whatever she does. Listening to Wham! makes you more of a man than watching an Uma Thurman film. That's science.
- I guess some guys (ones that are also into REEEALY young chicks) might watch these films just because of Uma. But come on, I'm sure Liam Neeson could knock her down with his piss stream (see above). Please let's stop casting Uma as an ass-kicking ninja - or whatever she does. Listening to Wham! makes you more of a man than watching an Uma Thurman film. That's science.
4. Tom Cruise Films - Every single one.
- Let me cut to the point, the only reason he married Katie Holmes was so that someone in the Cruise household could open the pickle jar. I've heard solid rumors that Tommy cries whenever he watches Dora the Explorer or whenever he reads cards at a Hallmark store.
Please Tom, run for office (but only in California) and stop making films.
- Let me cut to the point, the only reason he married Katie Holmes was so that someone in the Cruise household could open the pickle jar. I've heard solid rumors that Tommy cries whenever he watches Dora the Explorer or whenever he reads cards at a Hallmark store.
Please Tom, run for office (but only in California) and stop making films.
5. Transformers & Indian Jones - Starring Shia LaDouche
- Swear to God I don't know what his real last name is or how to spell it correctly and I don't give a shit. Cause this is ridiculous. First, if you think he is actually tough, watch this little vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEYEyNbggiw. Be sure to check out the shot at 1:15 which shows him rocking some Animal Crackers and an AZ iced tea...soooo BA. Not only does he get beat by an old fat hairy man, but the fatty also happens to be Canadian. Seriously. Pretty sure Shia would lose an eye against Taylor Lautner which is an absolute embarassment. No more Indy Jones flicks, no more Transformers, just go back to what you do best....digging Holes.
- Swear to God I don't know what his real last name is or how to spell it correctly and I don't give a shit. Cause this is ridiculous. First, if you think he is actually tough, watch this little vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEYEyNbggiw. Be sure to check out the shot at 1:15 which shows him rocking some Animal Crackers and an AZ iced tea...soooo BA. Not only does he get beat by an old fat hairy man, but the fatty also happens to be Canadian. Seriously. Pretty sure Shia would lose an eye against Taylor Lautner which is an absolute embarassment. No more Indy Jones flicks, no more Transformers, just go back to what you do best....digging Holes.
Stoney Jones Out.